The edge. Addiction.

After lecturing various friends on the benefits of blogging, I have just realised I’ve managed to forget to update my own blog in, like, ages.

I have had a surging interest in Nightwish thanks to my good friend Tori, which I am quite enjoying, I have borrowed Post Office by Bukowski which I intend to have a go at reading if I get a moment between wasting my life on Quake Wars and doing things that one needs to do in the quest for a peaceful life, such as washing up and making food.
Have been feeling a bit on edge today, tetchy and snappy I think.  I believe it’s connected to something deep within my psyche but I have no idea what.  I did drink a litre of Coop own brand ‘Red’ caffiene concoction last night.  As a result I was up till 4am not writing and wasting my life again.

I think I am addicted to Quake, Red Bull and Family Guy… help

Quake Wars and Distressing Chilli

After getting an itch the other day, I took some old games down to Entertainment Exchange and decided I wanted to rebuy Civilization 4.  So I did.  Got back home and found it didn’t work.  So I took it back and got Quake Wars.  It was a big mistake as I have been hooked to it all weekend.  It is truly amazing, with a revolutionary new game engine and some really well thought out and highly developed features, this is a stunning FPS.  The online option lets you take part in online team battles, specialising in a number of roles from Medic to Covert Ops.  A definite must get for anyone that likes Counter Strike or Unreal.

So the Oscars are on and I get that tinge of remorse as people go crazy.  How did Bukowski put it in his poem Dinosauria, we, “Into a place where the masses elevate fools into rich heroes” Am I a sceptic?  I’d be an optimist to say yes.
I’ve not been happy today, a sense of loss, a sensation of incompleteness.  Aggrevated at everything that happens, I think the making of a distressing chilli was the thing that pushed me over the edge.  I overcooked the rice and made a hideous mess which stressed me out immensely, hence ‘distressing chilli’.
Tomorrow might be better but I doubt it.

Happytop Lappytop

I have managed to get my laptop to work! Yey!  And after much speculating, it was indeed the battery that was causing it not to work.  This was found out only after I took it apart, and put it back together again and forgot to put the battery back.  Well, thankfully I’m not a laptop technician so how the frig should I know?

My ‘holiday’ of sorts is nearly over, ha! I have today off and then it’s a manic week of getting things done and making sure things are in shape and order for next week.  I bought a new briefcase and I have also managed to write my first villanelle (poetic form) which is viewable on cheesegreen.  It’s about domestic violence and I managed to write it at 2am this morning, which is an achievement as I was asleep when I wrote it.

I have been feeling a bit happier today, not sure why I’ve felt under the weather as much as I have been, possibly the economic climate? the weather? the fact that you can’t seem to get any decent games for a PC running vista without having to go through a small and largely pointless rigmorale only to discover this enlightening fact?  Who knows.

Christian Bale and My top 10 public losses of temper!

Christian Bale, calm mild mannered star of such amazing films such as ‘Batman: The Dark Knight’ and ‘American Psycho’ has lost it.

YouTube here

And who can blame him?  Well, I guess he could look here.

Oh well.

Actors are pretty melodramatic individuals, it doesn’t take much for them to go off on one.  But there are so many ‘temper’ moments on YouTube that I can’t help putting a few links up here.

I have to say that in my top ten of temper tantrums would look something like this.

10. Phil Hellmuth loses it on Full Tilt Poker.

Phil Hellmuth is one of the best professional hold ‘em poker players around.  He’s won more bracelets then pretty much anybody, has written oodles of books and has a degree of notoriety around poker tables throughout the world.  Unforgivably dubbed the ‘poker brat’ it’s clear that he’s not lost any of that fire!

9. William F Buckley v. Gore Vidal

This was a classic clash of political theology at the 1968 democratic convention in Chicago.  It all sparked off after Vidal calls Buckley a ‘crypto-nazi’ and so starts years of animosity between these respected political commentators.  Although I could happily go in to the whole subject, that’d be a digression like never before.  Instead all I will say is that the two were not exactly harmonious for decades after this altercation.  Although no fists fly, this clip sums up the divisive and emotive nature that took hold of the population at the time of the Vietnam War.

8. Tyra banks loses it on Americas Top Model

I didn’t really understand why Tyra Banks went off on one, she reminds me a very angry yorkshire terrier, what with the hair and the jaws.
I would love to see Lisa thingy do this on the UK version.  Although it is really comedy, she does have a point.
Plus she does the wobbly side to side head thing which cracks me up.

7. Nikki Grahame, do I say anymore?

Not being the worlds biggest BB fan, I can just about recall this amazing entity as being possibly the stroppiest person I have ever watched.  I start to wonder if it was all an act?  Was it a complex device of psychological mind alteration, designed to make the public apathetic to screaming children, result being that we would be more subservient and deferrant in our ways when we grew up, so resulting in ideal conditions for aliens to take over the world?  Or was she just a spoilt shreaking weirdo? You decide.

6. Big Brother 2004 fight

I remember this, it was just, well… comedy.  There have been some better fights since but this was the first really serious one where they had to call the police and have investigations and stuff.  Oh it was amazing, this wasn’t as bad as a later fight where Emma and another one burst out of a cake.  It was brilliant, pure comedy.
I’m not sure what to say about this as it is simply undescribable, there is no reason behind it, just the pure carnal animal growling.  Irrational comedy gold.

5. Charles (Chuck, Hank) Bukowski loses his temper at his fiancee

These films were part of a cult documentary by Barbet Schroeder, a French film maker, who collated a series of short interviews with the Los Angeles based writer in 1989.
Before you judge Bukowski, bear in mind that he was an amazing writer who wrote prolific amounts of material.  His poetry was crude but sentimental, his writings about  Los Angeles and the people around him inspired artists and writers all over the world.  Also read this and visit this site.  I defend him as a writer, but not his actions here. You can’t justify what he does here.
I have included the two whole tapes, but there are shorter versions available.

4. Bill O’Reilly goes ever so psycho over Sting.

This is a classic as the legendary Fox anchorman just loses it in spectacular fashion over a malfunctioning autocue.   The man is a bit of a right wing nut, so bear that in mind.

3. John Sweeney loses it on BBC Panorama: Scientology and me.

How do you crack a highly respected BBC journalist?  You harass him and stalk the crew whilst they are trying to make a documentary.  But let this be a lesson to anyone that tries to make a documentary about scientology, you will have a tough time.
Credit for the crew for trying to do this, but as the power of scientology has demonstrated, they have the resources to make life very difficult for anyone that tries to ‘expose’ them.  And here is the result.  John Sweeney famously lost it after the press officer or someone similiar picks an argument.  I am not going to comment because both sides are saying different things, and I wasn’t there.  Just goes to show how dangerous the camera is.

2. Daffy Duck loses it on set

This is an amazing spoof.  But it only goes to show that actors can be incredibly melodramatic, tempremental and incredibly passionate about their craft so God help anyone that fucks it up.

1. Don’t throw paperclips at your co workers!

My all time favourite public meltdown has to be this one.  Don’t know where it’s from, who they are and a scant idea about what was happening, but it’s a good idea not to throw anything..at anyone!

There are others out there too such as this

Jerry Seinfeld was cancelled…or was he?

Rosie O’Donnell in a cat fight…? Never.

The B.O. Revolution – (realised it was in the wrong blog, oh well)

This is a Body Odour Revolution.

Disregard your deodarant
Revel in your natural fragrance
Waft it in people’s direction
And enlist them to the revolution.
Don’t bath or even take a shower
Together we will become empowered
Take the message to the unwashed masses
Lord, labourer, teacher, neighbour,
Binmen,  clubber, pub goer, raver
It’s not a war about social classes.

What’s that revolting smell I smell?
It’s the smell of a nation setting free
From the anti perspirant tyranny,
The Victorian disgust of human must
Is now thrown off for a better future.
One that’s free of baths and showers,
One that’s natural like bees and flowers
Ruled by men with odourful feet,
Free from room sprays and Odoreaters
The evil regime of Touch and Fresh
Is now looking a bit touch and go
As news spreads of our valiant feats
To ensure the pure, smell like manure,
Health and Safety statsi men
Will meet a violent Coup d’état,
We’ll throw some fish in to peoples cars,
Just as a joke, you know, whilst we’re at it?

So bow down to a new and odoriferous order,
Make your savory smell your new expression
Of a social order, a fragrant B.O. Revolution.

The rise and fall of my poker ‘career’

Those of you that know me well will know that I love trying new things.  In fact I still go through phases of doing things like poker or starting a business or some whacky and crazy idea.  Most of the time these things I do are badly thought out and really expensive.  Looking back, I remember about 8 months ago I started getting in to online poker really seriously, religously I played, to the extent that I managed to win a small amount of money here and there, but something happened…

The more you play the more people you beat.  Often these people are good sports but sometimes you get really bad losers who will tirade you with abuse if you play well.  But equally if you play badly, the entire table will rise up against you and generally try and make you life, OK, your game, miserable and generally crap.  Soon I worried about making these mistakes to the extent that I started making bad mistakes, folding hands with a lot of potential and doing really dumb things, school boy errors.

Increasingly frustrated with the attitude of some players, I stopped playing and although I miss the banter and comradery that I developed with a few people, I have never come across another game where the beginner is so resented.  Some people might disagree with me, and if you do then I’d love to hear comments, but my own experiences make me wonder how people manage to become successful at the game.  Maybe it’s because I am a sensitive soul and am not armed with Rhino hide.  Compare that to Unreal Tournament online, which involves no skill whatsoever and where you walk around blowing the bejeesus out of strangers, everyone is really friendly and doesn’t really say anything to anyone.

I am up at 8:30am waiting for a delivery for Laura, who left at 7:30am to go to Bristol.  I don’t start work till 11am and finish at 6:30.  Nearly the weekend again?  Crazy.

London Musings

The following was done on my PDA over the course of the day I went up for a scan in the Royal Marsden.  It’s unedited, raw and full of typos.

LondonHow do you pass the time in London? The answer is simple, sit in a cafe and read, or, visit the V&A. I have just tried to visit the V&A but gave up after I realised that I would easily need the best part of an afternoon to really focus on the immense volume of the content that they have. Multiple galleries are spread through a vast complex of halls, corridors and crannies. Everything needs to be savoured, unless one is willing to risk mental indigestion.
Laura wants to visit too, so I feel it’s a bit cheeky to just go in and start roaming around without her being there.

I have decided to break in tradition and leave the Marsden for lunch, finding a small cafe (name escapes me), I am tucking in to a panini and a nice cup of coffee.

Everytime I come to London, I play a game. Spot the famous person. This includes people who are either famous or who bear uncanny resemblance to a famous person. So far…

Margaret Beckett
Jeffery Archer
Doctor off This Morning (who got discraced for plagerism).
Gillian McKeith

The journey was, as ever, ardous. Making any sort of long journey on an empty stomach is hard enough. Thankfully the chap I was sat next to, although a giant of a man, did not insist on cuddling up to me like the other guy I sat next to last time I came up. OK, so he wasn’t in his arms embracing me, but it was all a bit too comfy for my liking. A modern phenomenon that I noticed is the tendency for people to turn whole sections of the train in to mobile offices. Ridiculous as it is, everyone seems to have a laptop which they just have to get out and tap away at. Please note, this is a PDA with a keyboard, and when I find the drivers it’ll have wifi too. But for now I use my phone which has wifi.
The train was on time, which left 25 minutes to sprint across London, down tubes and up escalators. I was 5 minutes late but that’s only because I had to stop to ask a suspicious looking Spanish chap where CT Scanning was. By the way, he wasn’t suspicious because he was Spanish, but the hair was just too slick for my liking.

Right, back to the hospital.

1:26pm

I’m back, the hospital cafe was full so I have decamped to a nice comfy sofa, somewhere in the Marsden wing. The thing that really sucks about this process is the waiting. I know my appointment will come and go, it might be an hour or two hours before I am seen.
I am hoping that the trend will continue, and that I’ll be told there has been nochange. I can’t say that this is going to happen, but one can dream. If anything did happen, I wouldn’t know about it as the nodules in my lungs are tiny.

So what if something happens? They say that there has been movement, and I have to have radiotherapy. Oh well, if it is to be then it is to be. I would be thankful that I would be treated as to now, they have decided that the nodules are too small to be treated. One must remain philisophical about things like this.

The thing I hate about London is the way people look at you. A sideways glance, shifty and suspecting. Yes, I know its London and “thats what people do”, but it seems to be nearly everyone who makes eye contact…

To Outpatients… 2:26pm

The waiting was like death itself. A painful sentence, tension made more by the hubbub of the giant waiting room. I really did expect them to say that there was no change, however in my naiviety i guess I was asking for trouble.
Although the doctors have said it’s nothing to worry about, 2mm of growth in a year is really something to worry about. In time, I’ll get used to it and learn to cope with it, but at the moment it’s crap. Something else to worry about. I will read back at this one day and realise I was either overreacting or I’ll wonder why I was so blind to what might happen yet. So…

Appointment was an hour late anyway, but I left the hospital and just decided that the point in hiking up to Oxford Circus.

8:44pm

I’m on the train going home. Thank God, or whoever rules this joint.
I got to Waterloo and then had to walk around trying to find somewhere to sit. Waterloo, like most of London is devoid of bins. Rubbish has to be either quietly hidden away or stashed in a bag and then quietly hidden. Or put in a bin if you ever find one. After deciding that Costa was the best place to sit down, I bough a new notebook in Paperchase and a coffee from Costas. Time passed and soon I had to board the train, however, I read the wrong time on the ticket (I read 0642) and forgot about the 24hr clock, got totally confused and ended up confusing the lady on the information desk. I saw the ticket inspector and he pointed out to me that I did in fact have the right tickets. Confused but happy I got on the train, found my seat and put my stuff on the rack, then along comes a nice chap who sits next to me until Sherborne.

So I am nearly home, I miss my wife and my cats and now I know that things are now a little different.
Something that did cheer me up was the worlds chavviest girl that got on at Basingstoke, she had a full on conversation about weed and sleeping pills with some guy, very loudly so that the whole train could hear. I’m glad she did as it made me chuckle to myself. I also scraped together enough change to buy a cuppa so that was also good.